New Track Record

I’ve got your next Race Director right here, IndyCar

In an effort to expedite the search for a new IndyCar Race Director, I’ve been out headhunting and have compiled a list of possible candidates for the position.  The prospects I’ve put together include some of the guiding lights in their fields.  And yes, some of them come with a little baggage, but who doesn’t?  I’ve tried to find experienced leaders with broad appeal throughout the racing community.  I am sure the next Race Director is listed below.

Bob Knight (former Indiana University basketball coach):  You want authority?  You got authority.  No mincing around here.  This Race Director will not take lip from anyone.  OK, he’s got this little “authority” thing going on; he has been known to assault people both verbally and physically.  That’s OK.  This series needs an enforcer.  And at 6’ 5” and 250, he towers over the racers and the owners.  Immediate respect!  The buck stops here, baby!  The only person who is a possible threat to him would be his security chief Charles Burns.  Now THIS would be a dynamic duo.  Click here to check out Mr. Knight’s leadership style: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yw7KijRfU-c.  Classy, huh?  Yes, Mr. Knight may create some extra work for the PR department, but he’s worth it.
Resume:

• Won Three NCAA Championships
• Coached Olympic gold medal team
• Coached Pan Am Games gold medal team
• Convicted in absentia for assaulting a Puerto Rican policeman
• Stuffed an LSU fan in a trashcan

Tony Dungy (former Colts head coach):  Is low key more your style?  Then this is your man.  How about a little Quiet Strength in Race Control?  I am SURE that all the owners will bow to Mr. Dungy’s force of will; the power of prayer and positive thinking will win the day.  IndyCar is like a football team: the players just need to be “coached up.”  He will clean up the paddock and take the high moral ground.  This man can bring it all together: the drivers, the owners, the promoters, the sponsors.  And he can use a telestrator!  That’s invaluable for this high profile position when explaining “lines” and “passing zones.” The PR value of a former Super Bowl champion is priceless, and good PR is just what IndyCar needs right now.  Mr. Dungy brings a level head to Race Control.  Though some might consider him boring, his decisions will be thoughtful and deliberate.  The show is about the drivers and the cars, not the “man upstairs.”
Resume:

• Super Bowl champion coach
• Best selling author
• TV analyst
• Zealot

Jesus H. Christ (Savior of Mankind): Who better to have in Race Control than God’s Son (I realize that Brian Barnhart’s relationship with Tony George was similar; something had to give Mr. Barnhart that messiah complex).  IndyCar wants to rewrite the sporting regulations, and Mr. Christ brings His own rule book which He often shortens to ten easily remembered behavioral tenets.  This should satisfy the assorted auto racing writers, bloggers, and critics who found fault with every decision of the previous Race Director.  Really, who is going to question His decisions?  His relationship with Dallara should be strong since He’s also known to have a very good relationship with another powerful Italian brand.  Nom sum dignus.
Resume:

• Son of God
• Messiah
• Religious Icon
• Infallible Arbiter

What, none of these applicants fit the bill?  Maybe IndyCar needs a Race Director who is a combination of all these candidates.  He needs the unquestioned authority of Bob Knight, the quiet strength of Tony Dungy, and the infallibility of Jesus Christ.  Maybe that would please everyone.  But we all know the truth: whomever IndyCar hires as Race Director will be seen as a bad choice by some segment of the racing world.  His qualifications will be found lacking.  EVERY decision will be questioned.  EVERY rule will be parsed and examined.  The small but vocal legion of old and new media will both attack him and accept him with its regular hysteria.  It’s a thankless job.  I don’t have a candidate or an answer.  Someone will get hired, and the rules will be written.  Mistakes will be made.  Some people will benefit by race control’s decisions while others will suffer.  His life will be lived under a microscope that truly is life or death.  Drivers want someone who understands them.  Owners want someone who owes them.  And the fans want someone who is consistent and fair.

Who should be hired?  Henry Ford said it best: “The question, ‘Who ought to be boss?’ is like asking ‘Who ought to be tenor in the quartet?’  Obviously, the man who can sing tenor.”  Good luck finding Pavarotti, IndyCar.